Hi all, long time lurker, first time commenter I have seen this from both sides of the dropping by conundrum. If Im in the neighborhood Ill text and say hey, Im having dinner at X if you want to join but thats the extent. I apologize to the LW and to you for appearing critical. I am just offering another perspective on the need for advance notice before a visit because the LW was having trouble understanding why thats a thing people would want. If you think you are you could try. If you enter an already-going conversation specifically about a wedding I dont think you can claim that the topic is there to taunt you about what youre missing out on. Oh man, indeed. I love this and will use it always. Not every surprise visit was unwelcome. Not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends is not the same thing as nobody is comfortable with being brutally honest with friends and you cant ever ask your friends to BE honest because obviously theyd find that uncomfortable, and you should just LEARN. 21. You could as well find out what his favorite movie is and go on to rent or buy it and ask if you guys can watch it at his place. [4] "You're all talk. Its up to the visitor to remain mindful of the length of their visit (and the potential impact on others) so as not to overstay their welcome. And the thing is, if theyd said whose house should we watch at? I would have volunteered. Sometimes we had a great time, or got to catch up quickly when both of us had been busy. but Im concerned about *your* plans. I think its easier for both sides to send a text. Person #4: Its Free Comic Book Day Saturday, so Im gonna go find a store and pick up some stuff to read. Going to a street fair devoted to tacos., Green light means go. There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. Some of my mothers friends assume that its only polite to call when youre in the area and see if they want to hang out, and some of my generation shame-clean less than other people. Lets do this afternoon thing I want to do. Well Im not going to call that one up to talk about our awesome plans, or afterwards to talk about how awesome it was*. I invite my parents to visit with the intended side-effect of getting the darn house cleaned up beyond: Oh, uh, the mail is all in one pile, and I think Ive collected the worst of the catumbleweeds.. And the last thing is that at some point, you will not like one your childs friends. The whole work-home thing is pretty cultural though. Like other commentors Im totally fine with a Im in the neighbourhood can I drop by text, as long as the other person is fine with actually, Im really busy, maybe next time as a reply. I used to live in a basement apartment. It appears that the situation has changed, but I dont think theres anything to be gained by retroactively criticizing the LW for something which we cant know the appropriateness or not of at the time. I dont think it was all or nothing when I was a kid. Sometimes when my bathrooms have gotten out of control I purposely invite someone over on the weekend to induce a shame-cleaning because I will live with a much grosser toilet situation than I would ever allow a guest to see. Its both a blessing and a curse when people know youre at home all day because it also happens to be where you work. It was so unpleasant (awful). Im also really careful not to ask my daughter for her preferences unless I really plan on taking them into consideration. Re: Purple0 (sorry nesting fail) Like theres a huge difference between dropping by unannounced and saying something like Cable at my new place wont be hooked up till next week, can I watch Nurse Jackie with you at your house on Sunday? But navigating that kind of thing can be pretty tricky, and you do have to kind of gauge how close the friendship is and what the other persons preferences are before you say something like that. But I wanted to say it isnt as simple as saying people with anxiety must have hated that prior culture. Side note in regards to the hosting habit as something that is not done AT other people but is really about the host: Remember those episodes of FRIENDS when they switched apartments and Monica was desperate to have people come to the apartment she was in because she loved being the one who hosted? So I guess the implications will just have to come along too. - YouTube 0:00 / 2:46 How to invite yourself over to someone's house. Just be honest, if you are inviting her to be physically intimate then make sure she has all the hints and please just make sure she knows that you like her in that way. But usually those friends are limited to the small number of people who have seen me ugly cry. If this is true, what are some ways you think we might have more fun? Otherwise, leave your card with Jeeves, and Ill return your call at my earliest convenience. Come for dinner tonight at 8:00 is an invitation, Come by later is Hey, glad to see you, we should catch up at length soon. I havent spent time in Brazil, so I dont know if thats a Brazilian thing or a dudes-who-grew-up-with-M-specifically-where-he-grew-up thing but it is a real thing, and M. has had to rethink and clarify it for American friends now that he lives here. Amongst my good friends, I am not ever upset when they invite themselves over, we are close, and it never bothers me. Ill say something like I didnt know I was invited because nobody actually told me I was, and Id think it would be rude of me to just show up And theyll shrug and go, well, of course you were invited! Even if I cant have that, I do like the occasional text of Im at the grocery store near you; how about I stash my stuff in your fridge and we hang out for a bit? on random evenings. Yes to this Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. and my shame level is much much higher and so I never have people over without a sometimes-tearful marathon clean that leaves me too exhausted to enjoy it. Sadly, society doesnt really have a script for ending platonic friendships. 3. If a bunch of friends are seeing some kind of movie or concert, where it doesn't really matter how many people come along or not, and the attitude is often "the more the merrier", it's probably okay to ask if you can join. This is all excellent. People who drop by are unlikely to find me conscious or appropriately dressed. My example above works well for both his and my anxieties. Your visit will not be successful even if you dont mind the mess, because the person who owns the mess will be able to think about nothing else. Also, partners hometown friends live near Vacation Place, and they frequently call him to ask when were going to be there, and then theyll just invite themselves out for a couple of days. But something like a board game night or a party where everybody but one person was invited, yeah Id avoid that because it seems mean. This thread has actually helped ease my guilt about not liking spur-of-the-moment visitors, even if these visitors are friends of mine. Ha, I grew up in a similar neighborhood culture- but in kind of a hippie community where there were few fences and a lot of windows. She is MUCH better about it now, because for about a year she was being left off of invitation lists completely because everyone got so tired of dealing with her vile, unpleasant, and eventually abusive boyfriend. Im actually good at reading body language and other social cues, when everyone around me isnt lying to me all the time. Anything that takes preparation on the part of the host or organizer, or even costs them money, is iffy. Ideally you've got lots of other stuff going on in your social life, so you have this attitude naturally. Even hahahaha, I get what you mean. Ugh, LA driving/parking sucks! (Hearing about a movie a bunch of friends are seeing) "Sounds fun. I briefly tried to date this guy who would tell me his plans for the day that was half the time an invitation and half the time not. One guy showed up with his brother, cooked one meal, and then they sat on their butts and didnt lift a finger for five goddamn days while partner and I did all of the cooking, cleaning and tidying. Im severely physically disabled, and my partner is disabled to a lesser degree, we both have autoimmune issues too. One caveat to this is if you KNOW youre going to be near me every Saturday at Noon, and you start texting me every Saturday at 11, I might get annoyed. I moved country recently and keeping up with my best friend is hard work that is almost completely on me. Wow, yeah, SO relationships can be really fraught, indeed. Be confident and approach the situation with success in mind. Especially all-day things. If you have a chronic health condition (which might be physical, it might be mental illness, or a mixture of the two) and kids, sometimes youre doing well just to keep the dishes clean, the laundry done, kids clean, the floor uncrunchy and the table unsticky. For me, the polite behavior for the person waiting for the ride is that they come out to the car with no prompting. It cant have been fun for them, can it? Issue one invitation, and whether its accepted or turned down, wait for one from her before issuing another. Thanks again guys! My boyfriend usually texts me to let me know when he arrives because the social dance of, Hi, Im here for your daughter We empower you to efficiently solve each new challenge and make your life better and easier. My own perspective is that if a person just shows up at my house, not only am I going to pretend I am not at home, but I will also be demoting them several degrees in our relationship. It didnt affect our friendship negatively at all, just clarified a boundary. Ive decided that the purpose of my houses mess is to make other people feel comfortable about their own houses mess. You go on a date and have a great time; you hang out, drink, and have a nice time, but he is not asking you to come over. The group just assumes everyone understands the unwritten open invitation. Word. Secondly I don't think he would even look at you if he wouldn't like you. Im already in the zone, so if someone cruises by and is like HEYYYYY I WAS PASSING THROUGH, well, I was already mentally prepared for interruption. Im personally a massive introvert and dont really like house guests much at all, but I always thought it was on me to deal with that, not to expect other people not to do things like ask to come over and so I thought the LWs friend was being a bit harsh in reprimanding her rather than just stating her personal boundaries. one of the best things about the living room couch in my current house is that I can skulk in the corner and pretend I am not at home if I dont feel like answering the door, and I am literally impossible to see from outside the house. Youre going to show our friend the bike and then ride away on your bike. At this point I just deal with it by acting like Im an idiot and I believe everything they say. But, it did make me wonder if my assumptions about etiquette were off. We CANT know. Shes not quite as clueless as she comes across. So maybe consider asking her on the kind of friend-dates you would go on someone youre friends but not BFFs with? Everybody who shows up at the door is invited in out of the weather and offered a drink and a place to sit. If its someone I havent seen in a while who is finally back in town and a surprise its both good and bad. I do it just because sometimes things do come up at the last minute, its easy (for me at least) to bungle scheduling when social plans are made far in advance. At this point, with another adult, I would definitely stop asking until I got some kind of positive movement from the other party. (Some people love striking up conversations at the bus stop, whereas its my idea of a nightmare). And when someone turns up unannounced, without invitation, I do worry that the person might have a wildly different balance of needs to me, and that responding positively the first time sets up a precedent and an understanding that I am Cool With That. Im still not sure how one knows the difference without being told explicitly so I still err on the side of isolating myself / not imposing my presence on people. Knowing that I am under no obligation to implement whatever advice I receive makes all the difference. And my mother in particular telling me to get over it if I express displeasure with her dropping in. But I also know which of my friends are ok with it and which arent. If you cant, at least call to update me! Yep. Also, I love the distinction of Ask v. Guess (and boy does that explain some things about my boss). Before you invite girls to your place, know what to text her: Once you have sorted your logistics, you have to text her your plan: Like say some friends go mountain biking every weekend. Either way, the fact is that they arent making you a priority, so stop scanning no for signs and traces of a yes. If you could just not do that, that would be awesome. Thats not happening in my world unless the huggee is my SO or dearest friend. Good for you for making them fix it. One time she offered to help me pack for a camping trip with my friends that she wasnt even going on and only gave me 5 mins of advance notice. The joy I get out of hostessing is why I do it. WE DONT KNOW. Sometimes when we are in town visiting his friends will just stop in because they saw our car. It can also feel shameful if you have been to the person whos visitings house, and their place is/seems spotless, fancy, and smells like freshly baked pie, and then they want to come and visit you and your place isvery much not like that. when I was in high school: I own a phone for my convenience, not yours. I apply this to the doorbell as well. Some people would probably consider this secretive and dishonest, but tbh Im not sure she would. We dont have to call their entire history of the LWs actions being appropriate or not into question. 18 He Wants You: He'll Make Random Excuses To Talk To You. My home is my sacred space, man. Seriously. Going around the corner for drinks? I think that's often what's really at the heart of it when people ask if it's okay to invite themselves somewhere. Not in the South. If the friend did just knock on their door, then sure, some guidance on boundaries is probably needed, but if the LW asked in a way that allowed the friend to gracefully decline the invitation, then thats already expressing respect for boundaries and the friend is possibly overreacting by calling them out on it. Guess divide, and all of the yes! Its not that different. Dont just show up. No notice necessary.. I consider my house a family and friends and me place, and that works just fine. But, it's still a bit strange, at least for me, to invite yourself and others to a home that isn't yours. And if Im hiring a band and a caterer. I try to make it clear in my texts that the visit is (a) optional and (b) short duration. She thought I didnt like her anymore because I never just dropped by to see her. In university I lived in dorms, and living on campus was sort of an implicit youre always free. I really like to have control over when I am around people. And it started out just being ok for his and mine going oh hey I dont stress about this as much. Is something the matter? response from me, so. Also, LW, Im sorry to say this but it sounds like your friend is trying to pull a slow fade. The real standout is the time he came to a free preview of my show well and good and proceeded to hang around after curtain, and after notes, and until I had said, Call times at 5 tomorrow, guys, see you then! Your script(s) are: That sounds nice/Are you looking forward to it/Where is it/I hope there are no diaper cakes., Person#2: Ive got to clean the house, were having people over on Sunday., Red light means stop. Maybe if you were really good friends with someone and didn't do it too much it would be fine, but otherwise try to avoid it. You are already doing the right thing by asking, and if people are saying yes, then I would say everything is fine! Pretty sure it didnt slip their mind. It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. Maybe there are sub-groups within the group that function well together, and the person is only inviting one particular sub-group. Provided it is offered in good spirit and without unpleasant tone, I regard it as a gift that might be useful to me. But its also a huge life event (or can be, anyway) so expecting you to never mention it to non-invitees is kind of ridiculous. Ive known a lot of people who are fine with people just showing up and I know thats their thing and Im not trying to shame them and say its wrong (if anything, I envy them) but I just dont understand it! Unfortunately, that was the one night that both of us had to work a weird evening shift, which was highly unusual (there were maybe three times that year that happened). . . Someone surprises me at home: invasion of my precious and rare me-time. I cant necessarily see people driving up unless Im perched really awkwardly by one particular window (and not out on the porch because then there are hedges in the way), and if I dont know what their car looks like anyway it doesnt help. It may not be rude to you (and certainly is less invasive than just showing up), but as the comments here make clear there are a whole lot of people who dont like it when a friend invites herself to their home. But she didnt like me much, and I didnt care much, so whatever. If people want to hang out with you, my experience has been that they will issue an invitation, either generally to the entire group (Were meeting at the bar after kickball, everyone is invited) or specifically to me (Were going to the Pun-Off after kickball. If the LW did the same here, e.g. Maybe the venue is small. I recommend Using Your Words: I was raised that its rude to assume Im invited to something just because its being discussed in my presence. Youre feeling chills and fantasizing about going home with him. Their visits were usually a minimum of 2-3 hours, and it wasnt uncommon for them to stay for the entire day on Saturdays and Sundays. Down. I am a supporter of the day-before or the early-that-morning text to remind people to check their calendar. I always check to make sure its OK that I come over, and his response is Its always fine for you to come over! Except for, you know, the times that its not, because hes busy or working or having a roommate meeting or doing one of the many things he might be doing. I mean if its my sister, then she can drop by anytime because if I was going to take a nap I will just say hey, I was about to take a nap, you know where the coffee, internet, tv remote is, see you in 45 minutes. #711: Is it rude or wrong to invite myself to someones house? Fun times. 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