If Bitter Gay Mark disagrees with me, Ill reconsider. I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. wendyblueeyes seems a little quick to be so worried to me, considering the time of year. He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. I lived in his hometown and so did his parents. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. But if that doesnt work, I think you need to accept it or move on unfortunately. Another weekend and the same situation again; its like youre living in Groundhog day. Oh, great idea about making plans so that alternative isnt just sitting at home. Ergo, off to the parents home. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Eh. I can use a personal example as well. Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Its one thing to have dinner with your family once a week. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. It doesnt mean he loves her any less. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. muchachaenlaventana Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? January 20, 2012, 2:50 pm. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? Maybe you can offer to make dinner or get tickets to a play or museum show. SpaceySteph My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Next time, instead of going on trips together, try eating out or going for a picnic. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Have you explained that to him? June 18, 2014, 2:20 pm. Bagge72 Any partner of mine will likely have to be the same for us to get along. Its not only a blow to your self esteem but also in how you pick your mate overall. Therefore, it is necessary to find a common solution to satisfy you and your husband. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. Doing that every week seriously compromises a relationship with a partner who is not ok with that set-up. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. Follow along on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. I love my city, but I also love my home (for clarification, I am referring to my apartment I dont live with or near my parents). I purposely do this so hell not do the same with me. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. But seriously, moving in with a guy after dating him for three months? But, I also wouldnt feel bad saying its been a long week I really want to binge watch Netflix and catch up on laundry today. It doesnt scream big problem to me. The timeline seems off here. I wouldnt worry about ityet. I cant imagine that life! He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. silver_dragon_girl January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. Now, if ever, is a time when sitting at home binging on a favorite show on Netflix should be an acceptable and normal way to spend the weekend. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. WebYou are a good person for trying to bond with your husbands family. January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. ReginaRey It doesnt have to be the way you make it out to be though. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! Next time he says to go to his parents for the w/end, tell hime youd rather do x or y. artsygirl I agree. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. In my experience, though, it seldom works. Theres nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spend a ton of time with your family. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. While you want to spend quality time together, rest, and go to the cinema or a restaurant, he needs to be surrounded by people. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Lemongrass Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. CottonTheCuteDog January 20, 2012, 9:10 am. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months, after dating for a year. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. bittergaymark They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. I could go off on the USs unhealthy obsession with pouring all energy and time into romantic relationships and nuclear family only, and how its bizarre how much we focus on what a loser and mamas boy you are if you dont move out at 18 and hate your parents. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. June 18, 2014, 9:55 am. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. WebGo to counseling with your husband. My husband just kind of talks to his whenever and really only sees them on holidays. Some families really are just that close. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Saturday night is date night you are willing to sacrifice one date night a month to see his parents but thats it. He spends 80% of his free time with his parents AND they guilt them when they leave after an entire day AND they show up Sunday morning before he leaves. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. spending evenings with his parents is one thing but choosing to sleep over there when they are literally down the street seems bizarre unless they are elderly and he is worried about them. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). artsielady. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. Have a bbq with friends. Communication people. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Starting over! To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Finally my sister was like, every time you think you jokingly say please move back home, I feel like crap. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. YES! Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Yes. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. . Really? Maybe explain to him that you would like to keep some variety in how you spend your free time with each other. A lot of family time. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. Er, the mom will find a reason drop by the LWs place. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. Which is totally fine for you. YES! But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. According to relationship expert and dating coach James Preece, Neglecting your family and friends June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Ann Cannon. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Im in the same boat. Come on, BGM! I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. Trying to see this in another light (or maybe just defending myself haha), I could totally see myself saying oh come on, hang out for a while longer to just about anyone who comes over. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. WebSince weve been married and as bf/gf When I ask to spend a weekend or day with my family he says he's too tired. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. This is something about him that will likely never change. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. And it really annoys you when they play the victim role, and on the phone, they are sad when you tell them that you wont visit them this weekend. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. AKchic Added to that it already is a large issue (for you), because you are writing in to an advice column about it. Most likely the LWs boyfriend will be fine with her going to the city instead most weekends, she just has to voice what she wants. January 20, 2012, 10:52 am. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest You say We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. January 20, 2012, 9:09 am. At best, a season and a half. its a really exciting time for your relationship! Although it is not mature, your husband chooses to run away from your problems in marriage to be with his family. Yeah, they moved in together after only 3 months. My boyfriends mom can be like this wants to spend all her time with him/us because she doesnt work much anymore and is bored, and obviously loves him. That sounds like two out of three, and maybe that was because of the holidays. If you split everything while dating, I dont think it is wrong to assume that you will continue doing so once you move in together. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. GatorGirl If it doesnt have to be home never been told im a direct.... 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