Edgar Balthazar: Of course, Madame. And, Georges, we must be sure toprovide for their future little ones. Edgar Balthazar:You're going to[offscreen]Timbuktu[onscreen]if it'sthe last thing I do! Uhoh, yes. Toulouse,Marie, where are you? And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. In its most-basic form, a family goes to see a talent agent, performs their actwhich is comprised of disgusting depravityand once they finish, Oh, that's thatfamous restaurant. A family walks in to a talent. Right. [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. He's beenmarinated in it. [ Singing ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de-ay. Edgar Balthazar: Careful, sir. Those cats have got to go! [Screaming][Coughing]. Duchess:Oh! Marie: It's creme de la cremea la Edgar. [Laughing]You're making it very difficult. The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time [ Grunting ]Hey! Edgar Balthazar: Oh, uh-- May Igive you a hand, sir? Whee! Oh, I meanyour pad. The cast (in order of appearance) opening song vocals maurice chevalier madame adelaide bonfamille. I'mRoquefort by the way, I need your help,Duchess! (The gargoyles burst their heads out from three sides of a window). Scat Cat: Well, Marie my little lady,let me elucidate here. Berlioz: Yeah, man. Come on. This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! O'Malley: Duchess and kittens in trouble? I, me, after-- No. They're back! Toulouse: Sorry, Ol'Black face. Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. Oh, it just isn't fair! They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. It's a totally different show. It's like Curly in the Stooges. [ Yawns ] Come on, guys, let's go back to bed. Say "cheese. Duchess:Oh, darling, if,if only I could. Berlioz: I'm coming, Mama. Marie: Thank you, Mr. O'Malley,for saving my life. It's warmand, mm-mm, cozy. Duchess:Because of our owner. Come along for rapping and roaring with some furry bears. Bye. [offscreen]Duchess and the kittensare in trouble! To my cats. The Aristocrats Joke!!! Abigail: You know, deary, your husband is very charmingand very handsome. [The camera zooms into the theater screen as the screen fades to black]. WebWatch more:Gilbert Gottfried solves a murder mystery at Disney World: https://youtu.be/URuNJvtlGT0Gilbert Gottfrieds Dead Pet Turtle: [ Grunting ] Okay, Laffy, you're right, it's the end. O'Malley: "Basted"? We're geese. [A cat drops a bale of hay onto Edgar. Ooh. Now think "goose.". It was a little oldcricket bug. Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. I'll be right back, y'all. She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. [Sniffling][Sloshing][Splat]Yeah! Frollo: [Turns Quasimodo to him] You don't know what it's like out there. Cheer up. What's all the yellin'about, huh? They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. And I think this young manis very handsome. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's do NOT f*** your family. The Aristocrats Joke, Card Trick. Girl: And then the raccoons ate our food and they all had poison ivy. Did you haveany luck at all? Now, come on. Roquefort: Oh, thank you. Duchess:I'll never forget you,Thomas O'Malley. Let's see. The more,the merrier. Whoa! All of them dollars. We want to hear it. Oh, sorry, my dear. Get-- Get washed downa storm drain. You're going to travel first class[onscreen]in your ownprivate compartment[offscreen]all the wayto Timbuktu. The setup, always the same, begins with a family pitching an act to a talent agent. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. Where did the blood come from? It relates the story of a family trying to Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: [offsceen] Oh, my goodness, Edgar. Duchess: [Laughing]Oh, darling. Heel, roll over, play dead! Scat Cat: [ Chuckling ] Say! [ Laughing ]. Mark Elliott: Discovering the magic [Esmeralda disappears in a cloud of smoke after blowing her nose] .within himself. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. It's showtime! Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" Very good. It falls over, shrieking. It's not exactly the Ritz,but it's peaceful and quiet. Billy Boss: Ha-ha! Alright? [ Grunting ]Go away! [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Georges Hautecourt: [ Laughing ]Come on, Edgar. But I was so surethat I heard them. Berlioz:[offscreen]He's sure glad to see us. Duchess? ". For other uses, see, "Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes", "Diving Deep Into the Dirtiest Joke Ever in 'The Aristocrats', "After a 9/11 Joke Bombed, Gilbert Gottfried Told the Dirtiest Joke in Comedy", https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=The_Aristocrats&oldid=1135068379, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License 3.0, This page was last edited on 22 January 2023, at 12:47. Whew! . Criminiddly! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Oh, Edgar, they're back! Something horrible is happening. Oh, dear! Mother's going towork for Mr. O'Malley. Clickety. Napoleon: Wait a minute. Duchess: [offscreen] It's time to practiceyour scales and your arpeggios. That is not kind of you. Kittens? O'Malley runs and Edgar chases him. Robbers! Georges Hautecourt: Ah, still the softest handsin all of Paris, eh? I-l mean, eat--Eat well, of course. Duchess:Oh, Thomas, Thomas,that would be wonderful. [Metro TrainWhistle Blowing] Oh no, train! And those eyes of yours. Uh, not exactlyyour type, Duchess. WebAristocrats Joke [OFFENSIVE] Brandon Rogers Brandon Rogers 6.23M subscribers 139K 4.1M views 7 years ago My take on the age-old Aristocrats joke. You don't need to scream. Edgar Balthazar: Must be round here somewhere. Wendy Liebman: The Cocksucking Motherf***ers. 17 Lafayette: Mmm. Now, this isno time for fun and games. Even if the punchline was the 1%, the joke would. And, uh, let's see. Duchess:No, not at all. I remember that Ifainted. O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. Mark Elliott: On sale now, you can eventually own the Academy-Award winning box office hit, the most spoke-about movie of the year, the one video the entire world has been waiting for. Duchess: [Laughing]Bravo! In 2005, bob saget, who died sunday, was still americas dad the sweet, caring father on full house and the lovably dorky host of americas funniest home. Ow! O'Malley:[offscreen]All right. If I picked a day to fly, oh, this would be it. O'Malley:[offscreen]That was justa lucky break for me, baby. Georges Hautecourt: [Chuckling]Don't panic, Edgar. Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own sh*t. Jon Ross: And then, the denouement the butt f***ing. Georges Hautecourt: You haven't got an extra foot,have you, Edgar? I'm frightfully sorry, sir! Smile. Magic carpetit's gonna be. Alright? Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt. [ Mumbling ]. Come here, my darlings. I mean and waiting waiting for the death penalty! "Stuffed with chestnuts"? IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." Duchess Oh, how nice. Then the father gets up and says, "And now for our impersonation of the victims of 9/11." Toulouse: Why didn't I answer? After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". Berlioz: Oh, boy! The projectile sh*t is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. I'm afraid it was justthe imagination of an old lady. SMASH FLIX. And aristocatic flair in whatthey do and what they say. Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. [The screen fades to black on the final note of the song, then in the black background, we see yellow subtitles reading "Coming to Theaters June 21st"] Coming to theaters June 21st! But then the mother goes, "Please, sir, if you just give us two minutes, we know you'll like our act." Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! The joke ends with the agent asking what the bizarre act is called, and the family replies the aristocrats. Aladdin: [singing] I'm eventually getting married! dvdsuper1. That's onlya little frog, my love. (offscreen)Four. Amelia: And he's going about itall the wrong way. 2005. Duchess: Thomas, Madamewill be so worried. Marie: Oh! Which pets are knownto never show their claws? Duchess: Say, what brings you two here? [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. - What? (outloud)Of course you can. The talent agent goes, Hmm, thats an interesting act,' Gottfried says. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. The Magic Oracle: Follow the trail of the Forty Thieves. [Hiccupping]Look. My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80! Abigail:We're not chickens. O'Malley:Well, girls, see ya around. Kyle?! Title of infamous joke without a punchline. And bring back f***ing major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. Last oneup the stairs is a nincompoop. Duchess: Now that will do, honey. I heard them! Okay, baby. Duchess: (offscreen)Oh, yes, Monsieur O'Malley. And he's like, "It's not a f***in' prop act, is it?". I love 'em. Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! Chorus: [sings] Winnie the Pooh. Abigail,Amelia & Uncle Waldo: [ Laughing ]. It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. I'll get flat feet. Let's getout of here. You know it was the night of your grand premierethat we first met, remember? Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. Cats:Everybody, everybodyEverybody wantsto be a cat, Berlioz: [ Sighing ]Everybody wantsto be a cat, Marie: Because a cat'sthe only catWho knowswhere it's at. O'Malley: [offscreen]See ya around, tiger! Amelia: Yes, that's a question. And just as he gave life to "Cinderella" and "Pinocchio". I-- I couldnever leave her. Mark Elliott: This summer, live the adventure. After it! What is the Jawi script exactly and why did they stop using it in from www.quora.com. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! I ain't done nothin'. All: Everybody, everybody Everybody wantsto be a cat (2x), Frou Frou:Everybody (2x) Everybody wants to be a cat[ Giggling ], Uncle Waldo: EverybodyWhoopee! Where are you? [Screen fades to reveal more clips] Aladdin and Jasmine's dreams are eventually coming true. O'Malley: Aloha. Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women's hearts. Clopin: [sings] Here it is, the moment you've been waiting for. It doesn't matter what it's called! [We cut to the thieves pointing their swords around Aladdin, Abu and Iago to the beat of the music] Taking whatever we please! First,to make the magic begin,you wiggleyour noseand tickleyour chin. Uncle Waldo: [Mumbling,Sighing &Hiccupping]. Oh, what a horrible,horrible human! Edgar Balthazar: What the?! An amazing three-dimensional adventure. [Screen fades from black, revealing the Jim Henson Video logo]. Hamm: Hey, heads up, everybody. All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. Move! Buzz Lightyear: To infinity. Napoleon: And whoever it isis gonna get it and get it good. Abigail: Mr. O'Malley, I think youshould be the rear end. [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, we fade to a black background]. Have you seen Gallagher? It's like a hemorrhaging sh*t-ass. [ Humming ]Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ayTa-ra-ra-boom-de--Oops! Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. Will you hold on, please! A proper joke seldom fits the format and atmosphere of stand-up comedy, and jokes end as soon as the audience knows the punchline. Stupid cat! O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. I simplywish to have the cats inherit first. Uncle Waldo: Dreadful! Mark Elliott: Lead Aladdin into his biggest adventure ever. Toulouse: Get her, Berlioz! Ow! We give the first few rows garbage bags. Marie: And Marie. We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly. Marie: Oh noI wouldn'ttake up much room. Duchess: [Laughs]"Old picklepuss who"? But we've got to hurry. [Laughing]My two favorite nooses! Doug stanhope's variation of the aristocrats joke. [offscreen] Lafayette,what in tarnation you trying to do!? Duchess: (offscreen; chuckling)Yes. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Duchess? Oh! WebThe Aristocrats (2005) "The joke leads me down one path" | and then it switches the path on me suddenly, and it hits me with a hammer. Duchess: Now, now, Thomas. Napoleon: They're black--How would I know that? Marie: But, mama, do wehave sparklingsapphire eyes that dazzle too? In the South Park version, Cartman tells the other boys the joke his grandfather told him while at the school bus stop. Roquefort: Oh, please! [Clips of "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" are shown]. Love it. But he had a bed in it, like a couch that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know Joe Franklin raped me. Mark Elliott: And everyone's favorite characters. Scat Cat: That's it, cats, come on let's do this for more! Whoo-whoo! Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? Elevators arefor old people. Away! O'Malley: Well, that's a long way off,so we better get moving. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. O'Malley: All right, step lively! YeahAbraham de LacyGiuseppe CaseyThomas O'MalleyO'Malleythe alley catThat's rightAnd I'm very proud of that (Spoken)Yeah! [offscreen] Now stop beatin'your gums and sound the attack! Edgar, come quickly! Berlioz: [offscreen]Yeah. [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. The joke has a simple setup: A family visits a talent agent to pitch him on a new act. Frou-Frou grabs Edgar by the jacket. Scram! I'm the only cat of my kind. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. I am really in a great deal of trouble. [Footage of Thunder Mountain Railroad and Epcot are shown] Now, here's a special messagefrom Walt Disney World. Come on, guys. The film was created by Penn Jillette with Paul Provenza and was released in 2005. You didn't say anything about blood." And the talent agent says, "Sorry, we don't sign family acts. [Snarling, Hissing, Spitting ]. [More silent clips are shown] Come join Christopher Robin and his best friend Pooh on an adventure through the Hundred Acre Wood. [Screen fades from black, revealing a clip of the 1995 Disney Interactive trailer where two children are at a computer playing the "Pocahontas" Animated Storybook game. Hugo: [Spits the straw and feathers out of its mouth] Man! It looks like a serated sea snake. Napoleon: Mm-mm. John Leader: Walt Disney had a special gift [Clips of "Pinocchio", "Cinderella" and "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" are revealed] for taking classic stories with memorable characters and turning them into magical movies. Scat Cat:What's a little swinger like youdoin' on our side oftown? O'Malley jumps into the trunk]. And since it is a kids joke, i highly doubt it is a nonsensical joke (e.g. [Snarling,Hissing]. Short no. Duchess: Well, darlings, l--I just don't know. That's better. [Smacking Lips]Delicious! Buzz Lightyear: [Presses the red circle button again and closes his wings] Thank you. Ooh! Size nine-and-a-half. Napoleon: You can just be replaced,you know. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Berlioz: Look, guys! She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Where did these people find employment! A little lowerand faster there, buddy. Isn't she, Duchess? Uh-oh. O'Malley:Yeah. Everything is going to be all right. Abigail: Oh, dear! Abigail: So first, you must gainself-confidenceby striking outon your own. O'Malley: Hey there, bud! ' This is a family who are raping their own children and performing bestiality. It's about that big Bob Saget: I believe that's Shandling's joke. Duchess: Oh! Complete with incredible thrills Sargent: Alright, men. Ooh, ooh, ooh! Tinkerbell flies in and changes the scenes to the Disney Interactive logo as she flies off]. Don't be frightened. Amelia: And don't worry about form, sir. Just back away from me. (2x). As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? My bad. How did they develop this act? Duchess: Marie! because in a joke that's what happens. Where's my hat? Marie: And are we reallygonna ride on it? Gee, I'm cold and I'm w-wet. You justdon't understand. Edgar Balthazar: Oh, another ringer, sir. Woody: [Walks to an alien and picks it up] Hello. But where? Lafayette:This sure beats runnin', Napoleon. Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! Mark Elliott: Outside was a world he had only dreamed about. When they're seenupon an airing. He had one of the most iconic voices in hollywood, most. Toulouse: Frogs? Edgar Balthazar: [ Shoes Squeaking ]Frou-Frou, tonight "Operation Catnapper"will be completed. Now, now, my darlings. "Oh, we're N*gger C*nts. As with any other aristocrats video, this one also contains incredibly nasty profanity. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! A family walks in to a talent agency. The Muppets are hitting the high seas Mark Elliott: Walt Disney Home Video presents from Jim Henson Productions Mark Elliott: And the rowdiest crew ever. Frou-Frou neighs. Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. Frou-Frou pulls on a rope and the hook lifts Edgar up into the air. When they're seen upon an airing. [Engine Starting,Backfiiring][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Backfiring Continues] [Gasping] The police station! Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. In all our days,in tender ways,her love for uswas shown. Funny Knock Knock Jokes To Tell Your Friends. I'm tryin'to get to shore. Scat Cat:Hold it, cats! Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. [Humming TuneFrom Carmen]. I'm the leader. Berlioz: [Yelps, Needle Scratching,Music Slows]. He tries to shut it, but the alley cats attack]. Very poetic. Duchess:[ Sighing ]I don't know what to say. Well. Web. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. THE ARISTOCRATS, Gilbert Gottfried, telling the joke, 2005. [The workers take the trunk and drive away. Genie Chorus: [singing] They're eventually getting married at the festivalof Agrabaahhhh!!!! Thieves! Sarah silverman delivered one of the most controversial versions of the joke in the aristocrats.after an emotionally. So if you would be just so kind. Ooh. Duchess: Good evening,Monsieur Roquefort. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Thank you. Napoleon: What was that? I just love them. Edgar Balthazar: Could we take the elevatorthis time, sir? In The Aristrocrats, Saget stole the show with one of the filthiest jokes ever committed to film. Duchess? Thank goodnessit was only a dream. [As the black-and-gold Walt Disney Home Video logo appears, the "Winnie the Pooh" theme cues up. Roquefort: Mm. Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Charge! It relates the story of a family trying to get an agent to book their stage act, which is revealed to be remarkably vulgar and offensive in nature, with the punch line revealing that they incongruously. These are my children. The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. Brian Cummings: Plus singing and swinging with the frogs. Kyle: [after Cartman finishes the joke] I don't get it. I havea cracker with me. The Aristocrats is a fascinating essay on the nature of stand-up. Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats" [long pause] and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews? Berlioz: Come on, " Rodeford." Oh! Duchess: Please, girls. [ Sighing ]Gee, I'm gonna miss them too. July 28, 20058:25 PM. Because with usshe never felt alone. Edgar throws the pitchfork at him, hitting him against the wall. O'Malley:Hey! That's good. Duches: [offscreen]Berlioz, now don't be rude. the father shakes his head, no, no. The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. ", T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that.". Mama, I'm afraid! Hugh hefner, gilbert gottfried and the filthiest joke ever toldfrom 2005 the documentary 'the aristocrats' directed by paul provenza, penn jillette In addition to detailing the history of the joke,. Roquefort: [Yawns]So, that'sCreme de la cremeala Edgar. Oh, my gracious! Carrie Fisher: My mother was a golden shower queen. Let's move, move, move! 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