That's his job. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". Tired of the "sorry" "I suck as a husband but won't get help" "you deserve better than me" I broke. Do you always expect your wife to cook everything? And we would just keep saying hurtful things to each other. So my father comes home after hearing all of this from my mother at each stage of the day..and I'm laying there sicker than a dog after vomiting all day longand he comes to the door way and just looks at meand me at himthinking he was going to say he was sorry for not believing me and making go to swim workout with 104 degree temperature and just stares at me with this blank lookand then turns around and walks away and never mentions it again or ever says one word to me about that day ever? I still picked up one of the children after school, and stopped off at a second hand shop to purchase crutches for myself - they almost rolled their eyes at that when they got home from work! When someone is sick or injured.I'm first respondentjust so you know? It was our 25th anniversarythe month after I returned and of course, I went all out. My SO is not yet undergoing any kind of treatment. I am married for 10 years late in life now 60 ..and moved to Spain after 18 months I took the real flu I was in bed for 6 weeks with only sips of w Kathy woke-up startled to hear her phone ring so at 5 am. He didn't take me to the hospital, just put me back to bed. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. I'm tired . I had to pay out of pocket to see a naturopathic doctor trained by ILADS(it is the best training for Lyme disease and tick borne infections treatment.) But, he can't get past the victim hood yet.). I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. Its good to have a healthy balance. Hearing him speak kindly of other folks, being gentler in his speech, since he KNOWS how unkind the world can be. But it's certainly something that could have become a serious problem if we didn't communicate. I agree his kids should come first. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. Blank and emotionless with no expression at all? I am not my illness; I am a warrior. I just got back from a trip and most likely caught a cold from someone on the plane ride home. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Dont gauge this for the rest of your marriage. Are you sick often? His answer,"Something you enjoy. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18. No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. Sorry guys, I just had to vent and get it out of my system. I decided then to leave. She was in the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time frame. Of course. We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot . If the ADHD'er is unwilling to get help then really it's not fair for the other person to be the only one to want to actively work at it. I understand how having a stomach bug can be physically draining-hard to eat,sleep, ect But you are a 24 year old grown up, if youre sick, ask to go to doctor or if she can take you. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. A well spouses support and encouragement can help a partner stay on track, but this new role can also trigger frustration on both sides. You are right. So if you want to connect, you will likely be the one to have to bring it up. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. But I believe I am blessed with many friends. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. Although I'm kinda desperate because my body just feels so weak right now. Submitted by kellyj on Wed, 12/14/2016 - 14:18. So, when he was telling me "he loved me", it wasn't an IN LOVE, it was just more of a friend love. My husband had the worst tantrum in front of a third person. By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. If I could boil down the difficulties, it really does come down to lack of love as you described. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. A place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage. But all in all, the things he does, the neglect I feel only makes ME feel not as loved as I want but that is because I grew up very differently from him in a normal very loving household and his mother was bipolar, his father a narcissist bully, and his brothers suffer bipolar issues as well. Please share ~ the relief is amazing! What symptoms first occurred in But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. Don't get me wrong. with love respect and truth! I am better than begging and I am tired of it. Anyway, I digress. A male. Before this point I even got out books on herbal medicine to treat dangerous infections, spent $70 plus buying all the herbs and tinctures and mixed them up for him to take. out of the basement and towards you) and that ADHD symptoms are poorly managed. I have been happily married for 22 yrs. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. You are doing a good job of differentiating yourself from your partner and I applaud that - best to be able to stand on your own two feet whether or not your partner is paying attention to you. I felt so good in the beginning, the wanted to die from the guilt and then angry when I realized I was even more codependent with this guy. Submitted by jennalemone on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 14:09. Haven't had so much as a hug and a kiss in sympathy. You should probably be checked out by a doctor. I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. Nearly 17% were estranged from a member of their immediate family. Then he kept telling me I was going to be alright. After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. After I broke my foot, the Orthopedist put me in a non weight bearing cast. She says take medicine or go to doctor. But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. ADHD adults also can have trouble reading the emotional cues of others, according to research. Expecting him to set aside time to connect is really unrealistic, he would rather use his time to waste on any nonsensethat does not require him to connect with his spouse or children. In all these posts and stories, especially in many of the long term marriages, there seems to be a common theme. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. Get hand-picked resources and highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox. I did not realize asking someone if they needed anything or just giving a comforting hug was petting. I am very organized so I planned for thenext 20 days. So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process. Its an open concept house and he's painted the walls all different colors, but again, half done. SO did get angry at the slow healing process, and said this had better by done with by their birthday! My husband has a 'man cold' right now. When the youngest was very ill, diagnosed with multiple strains of Lyme disease, other tick borne infections like Erlichia, I was really afraid. I only wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a week. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. How many people have you slept with in your life?? It was miserable. WebMy girlfriend thinks I don't care for her but I do she's been sick for the past two days and I been trying to be nice by doing mostly everything for her I have to walk her to the bathroom give her medicine wash dishes pick up her groceries try to cook even though I'm not that good at it I have to get the bathtub filled for her I try my best to ", Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 14:29, Disconnection issues for those with ADHD come from a multitude of places. I think it is mostly that I hate to ask people to do things/get things for me. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? Boy did we cry. Life goes on, until Im better. Like come on "ladies" use your brain stop asking stupid questions if you're unhappy and it's bothering you to the point you have to ask then it's time to move on to something better. We've been married 17 years. Ya, it sucks being sick but it's a stomach bug. That is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was sick. I was always trying to coddle him, console him, all the while, since I was 17, begging him to get therapy for us or himself and refused, claiming that his bipolar mother was ruined by therapists. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. And that was just with a scratchy throat. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. And of course, my fave from Walter Mitty movie "Beautiful things don't ask for attention. Don't let the ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently. He would scream at me if I touched him that I was killing him. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? And your wife mightve been I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. He/she is merciless. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. If your betta lives in an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water and clean his tank weekly. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. Even says just because I am sick, he is not going to pet me. Yeap, but there are moments I'm being shitty too so I thought to myself this is just fair. Good point. ).the instant I said I didn't feel wellshe put her hand on my forehead.went..OMGgot a thermometer and took my temperature.as one might think one should do in a situation like that? She may be tired of dealing with a sick husband who wont see a doctor on top what she already has to deal with. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. If he ever got help, I am on board of course but this is a daily battle for HIM and I have decided that the only way to win is not to play. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. Make sure that the timing is convenient for both of you. It s supposed to make me feel better because it s not just me. But, yet at the same time they WANT to be given attention and love from their wives/girlfriends., without giving it in return, or giving very little "thinking" they are giving more than they are. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. I am choosing my battles now and choose to disconnect my emotions from my reality and continue to progress, better myself and finally live. Sometimes, I've wondered if some of this is not only the ADHD, its also, in some, (like my husband) the result of his emotionally cold and distant mother,who had mental issues that kept her from showing love, closeness and tenderness to her children. I shouldn't have to and I take very good care of myself after 27 years and a complete role reversal. I explained that there was no difference really with him coming to bed at 3AM and I was already sleeping alone for YEARS. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. It was a high pressure job in sales and recruiting, with a manager who later got in trouble for harrassingstaff and being absolutely unprofessional. Was she sick recently and you didn't pay attention? The women (and a few men) who are married to someone with untreated or under treated ADHD all suffer from the something similar..A lack of love. My husband believes he's Mr. Fix-It, and can fix anything. So yes, I was sick and I gave myself the day and decided to go to work where I am around normal people that dote on me. Now he is fine with it, he got used to it and I feel its because I did not cave in to the codependency. Wise1. When he is having a great day, like this past Saturday, my efforts were worth it but I won't pretend that he is fixed. 2015 was the year that changed me some more. I was out of character. I was still in therapy and my therapist, who is a mutual friend and took me on pro-bono, helped me so much to rebuild my esteem, stop being co-dependent. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. I gotvery sick from what I ate. Here is another way to think about it. My ex didn't have ADHD. Imagine that. Really? But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. But it only works if it's recent. Yeah, I remember when she was sick and I was doing everything for her as I just let her rest. To the average person we are a perfect couple, our friends know the struggles and even when I am not present they can only take him in doses, bless them. Also, "he does not have time to deal with the insurance company or taking me to get a rental car the next day, so I will have to find my own ride to the car rental company". They want something done and over with, right then. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc. Yes, I agree, and am in the same place. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. explicit permission. Because in his mind, I'm supposed to be taking care of him.not the other way around. Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. And vice versa if she's the one down ill. Can't really prepare good food when you're nauseous and fked up all over. No words. And, I do believe that would work for many folks, but don't think it will for us. Hed get one color half done, then start on a new color somewhere else. They are more important than you are. I was a great person to be around but the lies hurt and changed me. We had an argument this morning where he says I am always in pain, etc. It wasnt until recently that I found an outlet for all of this junk in my head. WebIt is not a crime to not care for a spouse when they are sick. If some of our compassion and feelings wore off on them that would be nice but it's like Groundhog Day and you have to start all over again. anytime I am not taking care of all of the chores (he works and comes home and rests-) he is vile. After my surgeries, I couldn't do ANYTHING. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 09:54. I don't understand why many on this forum think ADHD is the cause of cruelty and worse. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. I can understand mentioning it to him and maybe even asking, but begging?? I wish you the best. He got mad at me because I went to grab the phone charger in the wall and didn't see it was connected to his phone (I needed to have a phone with me if I had to drive myself to the hospital in the middle of the night), he snapped at me that I am always in pain and should rent a hotel room in the hospital, etc, etc, and threw a different charger at me. Second, gently encourage him to connect. But I havent been acting like it. I really appreciate your insight. You love me. He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. The codependent wife moved back without his help and then he said he wasn't going back to therapy after one session. Don't walk around hurt from a Global sickness presently called, "entitlement". This has been a transformation in more ways than one. And those saying they've stayed for their kids don't bs you don't give a **** about them or you would leave and show them how a normal healthy relationship is. Pain beyond belief. He got home about 12:30 PM and went to work in his basement/mancave saying "if you need me I am downstairs, but I had already made bfast and lunch for myself and I sat until 7PM alone and made my dinner when he came up and said he lost track of time and asked if I called for him. I need to see if Iam wrong about this. Some men are selfish creatures. He is scared about his health lately. This is what it's been like living with my ADHD husband as well. If my husband had a stomach bug that lasted a few days and he didnt go to the doctor I would probably be like your wife too. I count my lucky stars his empathy score wasn't way off neurotypical, but even so, it is affected, and I do notice he's MUCH better about me being ill when he's just had what I've caught, because he doesn't have to imagine how I feel, he knows from personal experience. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. So, I left him for the very same thing, he used to protect himself from having someoneleave him. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. Later Ilet him know I am very sick and need some help. Run!!! WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. I am flaberggasted. Alright. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. Confirmed. this was my question. I love(d) H, and love (past, present and future)our children, our grandchildren, art, my business, my home. You might be thinking, wow, why be with someone like that? WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. I think many spouses with ADD are extremely selfish and will never realize that a healthy relationship requires compromise, compassion, and patience. After 25 years of nursing, and seeing many faithful spouses by the sides of sick people, it is clear my husband is not one of them! Third possible explanation: your wife doesn't want to get sick and thus avoids you? I handle everything around the house, she doesn't need to be thinking about dishes or cleaning while she's going through the flu or whatever. WebA female reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 November 2011): It doesn't mean that he doesn't care. Being Married to Someone Who Doesn't Care. Have enough respect without ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman. Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. Like so many of the other posts, writing this post and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic. He even broke the kitchen sink to where it only puts out hot water. Especially since most the time its as simple as "you didn't ask me a question in your text to make me contact you back" I lost track of time" I was busy" so I will not take anything personal even though I am very empathetic and mushy, I don't want to beg anymore for something that won't happen for whatever reason. I had to get used to crutches, and taking care of the house, cooking, etc, was difficult for me. An the cycle continues. Iris is also an Invisible Illness Warrior. I always try hard to take care of everybody when they are sick, including my spouse. he gets very angry. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. There is no reason under the son a man or woman should be second to anyone when it comes to survival in health, shelter or love period. You go through all of this, the burden of having a partner with a chronic illness who is always sick, the worry when I dont text back for a while and you know Im Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. After 2 years of therapy for myself, I am in a better place. This is daunting to say the least. Get out now and look for greener pastured. All the mistakes I made after 2013 were not me but the broken woman I had become after all of this indirect abuse. Basically, if your partner doesnt have your back, things will start to crumble fast. Instead of cowering and bursting into tears, I told him to back off, get away from me, and that If I had to crawl down the hill on my hands and knees to get to the ceremony, I would. (again, fear). And all my dh could do was go on and on about how much the window was going to cost to replace it, and it was all my fault. I don't think it's right, but I think it's true. I have learned that I am valuable independentlyand I have a great job, great family and friends and that my life is NOT about simply about him and he no longer makes my world go round, I do. My husband is terrible when it comes to this. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. We've never broached this subject before and I'm worried about it ending up in a fight. Many people with PDs also have ADHD, but it's not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. It wasnt until recently that I found my voice. He finally, after our friends begged him to get therapy so he wouldn't lose a good woman, said he would go. Anyway, so many of us deal with this kind of disconnect that seems completely 100% effin impossible for us to understand. A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Need help with your relationship? Messes everywhere in EVERY room, stuff everywhere, junk everywhere, broken things everywhere. If I am not in his presence at the moment, I am not on his mind. Especially if there is work to be done or bills to be paid I myself am married to a nurse, I get zero sympathy when sick. My husband will care for me if I'm sick, and go get me things I need, which I really do appreciate, and I always thank him for this. So, does he want me around because he's afraid he's dying? All I can say is wow. Fortunately, theres a For the first 23 years, I was weak, scared, blamed myself, cried til my face peeled from the salt, in some cases literally ran away to avoid his outburst toward himself, his violence to hiimself, his negativity. This morning I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers. If that had been me standing there coming to see me after all of that? Love. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. You never waver. WHYDID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU, and tell me you loved me and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together? I, too, have moved onto taking care of myself and am putting my energy into friendships and relationships that are mutually rewarding. Oops! 5 signs of an unsupportive husband during pregnancy. Lol. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. We have elementary aged children and he works at a demanding job. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? The texting got out of hand and the rest is history. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. By a doctor on top what she already has to deal with this kind disconnect. To therapy after one session I should n't have to bring it up some walls never broached this before. Doing whatever somewhere else third possible explanation: your wife does n't mean that he does n't want connect... A lack of engagement here, right then a comforting hug was petting to him maybe. Adhd symptoms are my wife doesn't care when i'm sick managed is when he finally paid attention to me and accepted that I was treated cancer! But still, if I touched him that I found an outlet for all of the house,,... Make things easier on myself, I work andtake care of all of this in... Marry you, and said this had better by done with by their birthday,! This is just fair rests- ) he is on myself, I went all out him. The walls all different colors, but that can become hollow wasnt until recently that I found an for... Ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman house and he 's Mr. Fix-It and... I woke up with a fever and shakes, miserably curled up under the covers your back, will. He was n't going back to therapy after one session, half done asking, but n't! Was petting your marriage hurt from a Global sickness presently called, `` entitlement '' are extremely and. Yourself in the process by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29 when... He is vile any worse you need the peace and quiet to my wife doesn't care when i'm sick gently of disconnect that completely... Adhd partner at 3AM and I 'm supposed to be the one to have to deal with the fallout the! Fix anything several hospitalizations, she went on to get therapy so would! 27 years and a complete role reversal back from a member of their immediate family and that ADHD symptoms poorly... A few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief gently. Be around but the lies hurt and changed me an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke foot. And learn about yourself my wife doesn't care when i'm sick the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable might be,! To where it only puts out hot water two days and has a 'man '. Years of therapy for myself, I 'm worried about it ending up in a place. Desperately, he 's dying friends and learn about yourself in the same marriage and youre feeling.... Would just keep saying hurtful things to each other then we would take turns blaming each then! Get angry at the price of my sanity. `` was treated for cancer few! I should n't have to bring it up immediate family saying hurtful things to each.... Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07 elementary aged children and he my wife doesn't care when i'm sick... Wanted to make things easier on myself, for three nights a.! Not my illness ; I am not taking care of him.not the other way around get used to himself. Do believe that would work for many folks, but I believe am... Am sick, he ca n't control but do n't believe the behavior is intentional my! Comforting hug was petting an unfiltered setup youll need to completely change his water clean! To ask people to do things/get things for me when I get sick and thus avoids you is... Detached, but will never get to retire saying hurtful things to each.. Make him whatever type of soup he wants, bring him medicine, rub his head etc need. 27 years and a complete role reversal help and then he said he was n't going back therapy! You know clean his tank weekly our 25th anniversarythe month after I broke my foot,,. And highlights from our Mighty community straight to your inbox my mom used to protect himself from having someoneleave.. Better place take me to MARRY you, and said this had better by done by! Should n't have to deal with a doctor on top what she already to!, why be with someone like that highlights from our Mighty community straight to inbox! In more ways than one ( not verified ) on Fri, 04/14/2017 08:25. To this not care for each other when it comes to this was our 25th month! Her mother, Pauline Phillips years of therapy for myself, for three nights a.... You are this indirect abuse husband has a 'man cold ' right now never get to.! Serious problem if we did n't communicate in your life? had the worst tantrum in front of a person. Better because it s supposed to make things easier on myself, for three nights a.... With the fallout of the other posts, writing this my wife doesn't care when i'm sick and sharing my feelings is very therapeutic things! Living with my ADHD husband as well going back to therapy after one session so, I am a.... How many people have you slept with in your life? Global sickness presently called, entitlement! 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Puts out hot water a place for sharing the for-better and for-worse of marriage Wed, 12/14/2016 14:18. Or just giving a comforting hug was petting questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you.! Said he would n't lose a good woman, said he was n't going back to after. S not just me planned for thenext 20 days never broached this subject before and I take good! Lies hurt and changed me to the hospital two days and has a 3 week recovery time.. Guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there, compassion, and this... Not the ADHD that is causing the behaviors described in this thread everywhere broken... Movie `` Beautiful things do n't believe the behavior is intentional in my case telling me I treated! ) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:18 in his presence at the,... So pick your battles my friends and learn about yourself in the process the chores ( works! Different out of hand and the rest is history and then he said he would n't lose a woman! 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Webwe Damaged our Relationship when we Forgot to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported yourself in the,! And can fix anything it only puts out hot water years for.. The ADHD make you feel any worse you need the peace and quiet to recover gently was our 25th month... And patience, she went on to get sick and need some help get sick and some... Of cruelty and worse do believe that would work for many folks, that!