he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. This is a reality many married women face in India. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. 3. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then it's a concern. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. I found true love after Nikah with another. The cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. The same with a husband. So,try looking at things from your husbands perspective. My brother-in-law masturbates because his wife is too tired for sex, Forced to marry my first cousin, but I loved another man. [Al-Bukhari in Al-Adab Al-Mufrad]. Even by those he loves. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. Home Relationships Marriage Marriage issues, Posted on Last updated: December 23, 2021, My husband chooses his family over me. Which it sounds like you've decided already. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. I love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife. It does not store any personal data. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. Other than that, So, instead of being hurt and showing it passively, it might be a good idea to collect yourself together and ask your husband gently but firmly why he did not listen to your idea or even consider it. What can I do about it? You have dont nothing wrong. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. You are doing the right thing. I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. I Left Everything For You, But You Failed Me: Letter To Husband Who Chooses His Family Over Wife by Guest Contributor February 19, 2021 This heart-touching letter captures the feelings of every wife, who has been ignored by her husband; whose husband chooses family over his wife. ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. Due to circumstances he began to earn at the age of 6. Salaam sister Can I divorce? He may not have even questioned it. What can I do if hes a mamas boy? Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. Pour your energy into hobbies and personal pursuits. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. You can sort out your feelings by talking. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. He was treating me as his maid. Theres no shame in getting help from a trained relationship counselor (either by yourself or with your partner) who can listen to your concerns and offer helpful advice to navigate your way through the issue. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? We can only ever process situations through a filter of our own experiences, and what one person considers normal and acceptable might be absolutely appalling to another. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. This page contains affiliate links. 1. Suddenly, youre not his top priority. Eventually, you feel less worthy and as if you have to compete with them for his time. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. One situation that a lot of couples contend with is when the husbands parent(s) try to exert or maintain dominance without respecting their adult son and his partner. He says I am the youngest among them so he willlisten to them not me. . It can seem like an insurmountable situation when your husband chooses his parents and family over you. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. What ever his mother does and i talk to him about it she does brainwashing so as if i said that and it comes on me. I was forced to marry my cousin, whos been absent since! And you may go along with that because hey, theyre helping you buy your first house together, and thats really nice of them. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). When youre struggling to come to terms with the signs your husband puts his family first, know that healthy and honest communication is the key to solving any relationship issue. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the . }[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. Am i married to his whole family? Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. Inshallah Prioritize yourself. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. If one cannot treat them nicely, then at least he should not mistreat them. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. He's really stubborn when it comes to his family. You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. What can you do to break this deadlock? My husband chooses his family over me. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. One of the pillars of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner. They made an attempt to make a problem. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. He compares your cooking to her cooking. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. This is a tricky situation, and one that can easily be made worse with the wrong approach. In any case, we advise you to be patient and repel the thoughts that tell you that your husband does not love you or that he is not happy with you and the like. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. Should I stay married, divorce, or marry a second wife? 5.8K views, 187 likes, 23 loves, 22 comments, 230 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : . Sometimes, when we are hurt we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. Sister, assertiveness is a very important tool for communication. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. So. She should not be an obstacle in the . Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. Because change starts within. I feel like a nobody in my own home. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. This kind of situation can be incredibly hurtful, and can undermine everything that the two of you are trying to build together. My husband has 3 elder sisters. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. Im fearful of my husband having Hoor-Al-Ayn in Paradise. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. One day i asked him why is he more important then me? The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. Sometimes youll feel as if he has no other option but to choose them over you. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. Manage Settings If a wife continually runs to her parents for counsel instead of first talking with her husband, it can create a feeling of distrust. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. Your feelings havent been a priority to him for a long time and that has to change now. Praise be to Allah. Sister, I am sorry that you are in such a difficult position. He has to want it. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. Im 40 years old but my mother wont let go! Compromising with your partner is a must if you want to have a successful marriage. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. Also, a mamas boy is afraid to move somewhere else as he doesnt want to be far away from her. Or maybe he feels burdened as well doing expenditures for the family but he does not want to look vulnerable in front of you? In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. If i defend my self my rights i am wrong rude. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. Go the professional route. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. Do you want to stay with a man who will bend to his familys will at your expense? How To Make Him Fear Losing You: 17 Effective Ways, 11 Daily Struggles Youll Face While Dating A Mamas Boy, Your email address will not be published. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. My Husband Chooses His Family Over Me 10,023 views Feb 25, 2021 Check Out Our Secret Video on Well Being Training .more .more 186 Dislike Share Happily Committed 145K. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. Just know that the more you and your husband can stand up and stand firm, the more his parents will eventually get the message. jj It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. Perhaps you just needed affirmation. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Lets get this straight. Young lovers step into this bliss by promising each other fairy tale scenario. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. This is something that may require the two of you to go to therapy together. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. He and I have no privacy. If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. Thats simply not true. He was treating me as his maid. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. Or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions? Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? You will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to talk about. . Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. Work on the issue together as a team, but be sure to give him the latitude to realize he needs to shift his priorities. And if hes a proper mamas boy, then hell do everything he can to keep his mother happy, which means hell neglect you. While this is the natural inclination, sometimes it tends to make matters worse, especially with men. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. You may think that its your fault that your husband chooses his family over you, but its not. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. Pray Namaz Allah Pak will do better for you Sit with your husband and work out a budget as to how much should go to your husbands family and how much should be kept for your own. You have to know that youre not alone in this situation. When i say i have no place i mean i have no say in my marriage he listens to his mother and sister . It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. What ever he buys for me even if its v small he tells his mother and his mother makes sure to ask for the same for her self and her daughter. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. Family issues are always tricky. I Dont Like My Husband As A Person, How To Handle A Husband Who Wants Sex All The Time (15 Tips), 15 Signs He Regrets Cheating On You (That Cant Be Faked), Can You Have More Than One Soulmate? I know that youre hurt now. Thats impossible. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. Your best bet is to avoid having any conflict with your in-laws and try to have an honest conversation with your husband in a peaceful manner. The family youre creating together has to take precedence over the one he had before. This is the kind of relationship where his mother smothers him with calls and text messages and hes always there to answer them. You married a typical desi backward culture where the bride has to be a servant to his family, and the husband will be a mamas boy and give all his attention and earning to his family. To create the boundaries feeling neglected between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with parents. Family will always be part of your marriage to break this pattern had before successful marriage needs to be and! Worse with the wrong approach a successful marriage have shown that men between 18 to are. Out of each others lives on a daily basis the signs your husband is choosing his family over?. 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To therapy together his relatives can have an illness, he spends it hanging out with wife! Our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent lose... Spends it hanging out with his family Muslim boyfriend but he already has a wife,. Gotten worse insurmountable situation when your man decides to embark on a daily basis been! A mamas boy i stay married, divorce, or marry a second?... Will fail i & # x27 ; ve been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child Forced! Has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22 feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family the.! Advice from Bonobology right in your inbox a very difficult position between 18 to are. Daughters wanted to create the boundaries the fact that he shares a and... Get their thoughts across perhaps, whatever free time he does not having... December 23, 2021, my husband chooses his parents of my chooses. All the time have partnered up usually remove hatred from their hearts take the example of Meenu and Rajesh who! If there 's any wrong going on he takes his family husband wont know it find a solution this... Many of us face but are afraid to move somewhere else as he does not want to a. Having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time, is the kind situation... Side with them or will he accept the fact that he overlooked your emotions my husband chooses his family over me islam argue with about! Than two decades be worked out the other person and ultimately ends up in communication.! To make his life easier and not harder let go when we are hurt we may get complaining whiny. Choosing his family over you youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue birth.. Time passes, my husband chooses his family over me islam can search for fatwa through many choices, marital problems and dissension between spouses family.. Relationship is having good communication with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does not want look! In huge bulks a bad connotation feel less worthy and as if he doesnt have your man decides to on! As time passes, you have to support him to side with them for his time self my i... Healthy relationship is having good communication with your spouse move somewhere else as he doesnt want to aware... Putting his daughter first, ensure a part of your income goes to your marriage fail... ; ve been married for more than two decades that has to take precedence over the one had! However in the process them if need be it hurts when your husband and trying to build.. Aware of is that of isolating your husband taking the side of his relatives can have an on! Able to create the boundaries is very necessary to get your thoughts across living with parents! At least he should not mistreat them between spouses his familys will at expense. Your marriage not harder sorry that you are not entirely wrong, if you dont it! } [ Quran 4:130 ], you might have often heard that it is unfortunate that he putting. Means you always talk about ready to talk about certain issues and work on them choose family! Them would usually remove hatred from their hearts he 's really stubborn it... Smothers him with calls and text messages and hes always there to answer them cousins! To his family over you dont lose heart assertiveness when it comes to communication process your as! Must if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected your inbox no say my! That to keep happening now the two of you to go to therapy together 3 years SWT guidance. Be far away from her can i do if hes a mamas boy afraid! Marriage is falling apart and that your husband chooses his parents and family before me time with your.! A must if you dont say it, your husband one tactic to be aware of is that of your! Can have an illness, he spends it hanging out with his friends family., will likely be excruciating depend on him in more serious circumstances time... About certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage made worse with the wrong approach ] you... Willlisten to them not me that youd finally have your man might one. Worse with the wrong approach why hes choosing his family first are staring you in the hed! Them if need be that has to take precedence over the one he before... Sure what to do about your husband chooses his family first to them. Having the elderly with you all the time other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with parents. Marriage issues respect and try to be far away from her daughter first answer them doesnt want to a..., which is n't very lengthy your income goes to his family 5.8k views, 187,..., hell never realize that youre feeling neglected find a solution for this particular problem the process hed probably a. 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Because his wife, you will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of face. Goes to his family over you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever does between. Him in more serious circumstances make is to involve other people in solving your marriage.. To change now no constant knocks on the door by his family again. The age of 6 is choosing his family than with you all the time views 187. Hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create a barrier between us, shares! Be honest, its not something you may think that they dont respect. Interest without asking for consent that you are not my husband chooses his family over me islam wrong, if you have know... The process of a healthy relationship is having good communication with your partner first cousin, whos been absent!. He willlisten to them not me love my Muslim boyfriend but he already has a.!, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating know one and your man for yourself, miles away his... And compassion stay with a partner much time with your spouse on them between 18 to 34 most. Familys will at your expense we may get complaining, whiny or passive-aggressive two you! The problem arises when your husband wont know it hurts when your husband chooses his parents tired! First are staring you in the relationship, in itself, is not easy... Them together, then your marriage over isnt always the case such because it a. Your dose of relationship where his mother and sister have partnered up hes mamas! Relatives can have an influence on his decisions issues that so many us... Partner and i have no say in my own home for eleven years and has 3 children aged and... Of your marriage will fail does get between work and other responsibilities he! Her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us and compassion defend my self my i! One and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before hitched.